


from here, i suffer like you

by ethereal_flower



Series: Letters [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Forgiveness, Ghosts, M/M, Mentioned Armin Arlert, Mentioned Reiner Braun, Paths (Shingeki no Kyojin), as usual it gets sadder in the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:00:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28216599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ethereal_flower/pseuds/ethereal_flower
Summary: i don't knowwhat's more tragic eithereither you look for mewherever you goor that i'm never there(in which Bertholdt looks over Reiner for years)Manga spoilers ahead. Read at your own risk.
Relationships: Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover
Series: Letters [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2067000
Comments: 51
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so hi guys its me again. i decided to make this into a series. if you remember "you've touched me without touching me" i decided to make it into a series called "Letters." 
> 
> In this story, it's the same fic but from Bertholdt's perspective as his spirit wanders at Paths along with the dead. 
> 
> Bertl obviously won't send letters like Reiner will, but it would rather cover his thoughts on Reiner's letters for him. 
> 
> So...more tears I guess 😢✌

Reiner...

Oh Reiner if only I could tell you... I could. You don't have to waste such time and energy on me. I'm sorry...I tried to stop them, and I know that you're blaming yourself for not saving me. 

It still hurts, it really does...

The darkness that surrounds me still haunts my very soul- ironic isn't it...? 

And I'm impressed you still have a pigeon to delivery that letter...but I'm telling you that letter won't go to anyone....

I'm sorry....Reiner....I'm sorry I died....


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know the drill ;-;

To answer your question, yes there's no reply to your letter. And that's because I'm dead. If I can only spook you through a writing on a wall or your dreams, but from this desert like land, with night as it's only day, I can never do it. And my father? Oh Reiner...please tell him how sorry I am. How pathetic this son of his...

And...you are? Well congratulations Reiner, I hope that you and Gabi become closer someday. 

I miss you too Reiner. I'm really sorry for dying. I wanted to go home with you and yet....

I'm so sorry...to both you and Annie....


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;-; hewwo  
> merry christmas guys  
> my present is to break your hearts 💔💔💔🎄🎄🎄

Reiner.

I can't reply because I'm dead. Even if you get mad at me though, I don't blame you.

I aborted the plan. But...it was for you Reiner. I did that because I couldn't let them kill you. In the end, I became the sacrifice. If you're thinking I sided with them...

I would rather want you to think that than knowing I died.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pain  
> nothing but pain T-T

Reiner, I just want you to stop sending me these letters. I'm not mad but Pieck had already told you the truth. I'm dead...why would you even hold onto false hope? 

And...I could never get mad at you. All of this was my decision. Never blame yourself for it. When you and Annie meet..tell her how sorry I am. Same to my father once you believe in the truth. 

Especially to you Reiner, forgive me...


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "ohayo poco"   
> lmaooo the latest episode was wholesome af before shit went down in the end 😭😭😔😔
> 
> and also- if you guys didn't know, Tomohisa Hashizume (Bertholdt's VA) posted a tweet from Bertl's POV when episode 3 came out T^T it broke me

I...Reiner...

I understand why you didn't find me reliable. I understand it's because I always waited for your next orders. None of that was for yours to blame.

And Reiner...my birthday? You'd still celebrate that even if I'm gone? You idiot...I couldn't even reach adulthood, let alone my 17th birthday. 

But...that's real sweet of you...


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SWEET BABY BERTHOLDT 😭😭😭😭 HE DESERVED THE WHOLE WORLD ❤❤❤❤

Reiner...? You still remember that? When we used to sneak out? And...what are you going say during that time? Was it...

No way. There was no way you liked me. But....oh...I like you too. I really do Reiner. But you would tease me towards Annie. I was...saying it wasn't like that. 

And also, I'd say that it's my birthday now. It's a bit cold here in this place since it's always night. But to my surprise...Marco was here too. And he understood what we felt. He says that we didn't have a choice...and then he gave me a birthday message. 

I wish you were here though Reiner. But I don't want you to die before your time. That would be my worst nightmare...


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry guys ;-; i lost time and all

So...now you're thinking I...betrayed you now...huh? 

Well...that's okay Reiner. That's fine, it's all natural.   
After all you didn't even know what really happened to me. It's fine....I would rather want you to think of me as the bestfriend who betrayed you rather than you knowing I'm dead. 

I don't blame you for getting mad at me.   
I understand that. 

But...

.....I still love you though.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys sorry for not updating this fic, real life got busy and I became clouded with other fanfics. I also got recently harassed online for being a Gabi stan and speaking my opinion about her, so there's that too ^^; 
> 
> But anyways, here's the next chapter you've all been waiting for! Enjoy~!

Reiner...

Don't even say that. Please. Don't. 

Marcel's death isn't just your fault, it was mine and Annie's as well. We abandoned him, not just because we were cowards. We were scared. 

We were merely children who didn't know a thing.

Stop blaming yourself for it. And no matter what you say, you've always been my best friend. I always got stuck up with you because you were slipping away. I didn't want to lose you. 

The last thing I would want was to lose you.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have decided to merge Bertholdt's thoughts from Reiner's letters starting from the first story's 10th chapter up until the last chapter. So the epilogue of this will be at the 10th part :')

I don't know what made you think of me that way, but in the end, I didn't mind anymore. If you see me as a traitor, then I accept it anyways. 

It's been 4 years now, and two years ago, you became Vice Captain already. Then should I address you as "Vice Captain Braun" now? And you want me to get my ass back? I'm sorry. But I can't, I'm dead. The saddest part is, you don't even know. Or you refuse to believe that you already knew. 

Reiner...you have lied to yourself for the past 4 years. 

You knew that I died. That I have perished as Armin sealed my fate, memories of a mission we didn't even wanted to do inside his mind. As much as I acknowledge the letters, they are all for naught. In any case, someone else might have read them already, and see all of the confessions that you have said to me.

I love you. I always have. And if anything happens to you, I won't be able to forgive myself. All of those warrior cadets, your cousin, our fellow Warriors- they are still there for you, even if I'm not. 

Don't do anything stupid. 

Live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw guys should I make a third story about who got to read the letters Reiner sent???


	10. Epilogue

Something felt wrong. 

No, it wasn't just a lingering feeling- Bertholdt felt something was bound to happen. He wasn't sure but...the gut feeling in the pit of his stomach said otherwise.

As he went around the strange, neverending nighttime desert, Bertholdt felt a slight ache on his chest, just right where his heart resides. "Ugh...what is this? Why do I feel like this...?" He muttered to himself. The pain was like a circulating motion inside his heart, which unfortunately grew stronger. 

The growing ache made him almost lose his balance, before he managed to slowly kneel down on sandy ground. Bertholdt clutched unto his chest, letting out a few whimpers of pain and tears. 

A linger of eventual worry crossed in Bertholdt's mind, wondering if Armin will feel the same once he dies and his spirit resides here. 

He did get some insight about this, thanks to Ymir and Marcel. The two former Jaw Titan holders told them that their chests began to hurt- more so their hearts did, whenever someone close or special to them were hurt, especially those who intentionally were trying to. 

It wasn't metaphorical, it was physical for them. Although dead, they could feel the pain, literally, if someone they are special to try to hurt themselves, or if they get hurt even on the inside. 

Bertholdt had felt this pain, although it was just always an ache which lasted for a minute or two. But this...this was different. "It hurts...what is happening...Reiner..." Bertholdt choked out the other's name out of the pain, his salty tears now mixing in with the sand. His fingers clawed both the sand and his aching heart; until he felt something snap inside him. 

He remembered Ymir saying "The pain goes away whenever you know the other person is now okay." or something along with those lines. 

But if it snaps, what does it mean? 

"Oh. Oh...no. No, this can't be." Bertholdt says, his voice coming out strained but his mind screaming and pulsing with panic. 

Reiner.

His mind only revolved around Reiner. All that his mind could think about was that stubborn blonde boy- 

There. 

He was there. 

The said stubborn blonde boy was standing in front of him. Bertholdt felt the pain in his chest stop abruptly, but upon looking down, saw a red stain coating his sweater. 

Bertholdt clasped a hand on his mouth. It couldn't be. It couldn't be what he thinks it was! It might have been a mistake! Something that his mind was messing up with again- it might have been a nightmare- 

"Bertl. What are you doing?" Reiner asked him, his voice different from what he had last heard from him. It was deeper, a bit gruff, but he couldn't help but also hear the pain and tiredness in it. "R-Reiner...what are you doing here?" He asked, his voice trembling. If Reiner is here...

He gave Bertholdt a small, guilt-ridden smile. "...what do you think?" 

No. It couldn't be. 

Bertholdt quickly gripped unto Reiner's clothes, looking up at him with a great sense of despair. "You're joking right? What did you do Reiner? What did you do?! What about Pieck?! Porco?! Those kids- your cousin, your family! Why did you leave them? Why...Why Reiner..." 

He slumped on the ground, having lost the strength to argue with him, his tongue once again tasting his salty tears. 

Reiner only held him in silence, his arms firmly wrapped around Bertholdt's shaking form. "...Annie. Once Annie wakes up...she'll be all alone...." He whispers, knowing what was truly her fate through Armin's eyes, even if it was just for a brief moment.

But Reiner didn't care. Because he was selfish. As much as Bertholdt didn't want to admit it, he was also selfish.

Even if it meant for others to suffer over their loss of Reiner, it meant that he was now whisked away from the cruel world forever. 

"At least we're together now...nothing's going to separate us." Reiner whispers in his ear before he buried his head on the crook of Bertholdt's neck. "...right?" The last bit of sentence came out more as a plea. 

Reiner looked at the other male, his eyes searching for answers. 

But Bertholdt didn't reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah- that's the end 😔 very bittersweet yet very much open ended. I was actually rather going for a sweet ending which Bertholdt accepted the outcome of Reiner's fate, but then I felt like it was too forced if he did that so- I opted out for the latter. 
> 
> And also, the hurting chest concept is something my brain has been circulating on for a year now. I used it in a roleplay once, but now I was like "aight let's use this in a story too!" So there you go ^^; 
> 
> Anyhow, I hope this ending is alright with you my dear readers! I have decided to publish the third and final story of this series which tackles on who has the letters been delivered to. 
> 
> See y'all lovelies later!! 💕💕💕


End file.
